What’s it like to be a Canadian

~ Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.

~ Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.

~ Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?

~ Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.

~ Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.

~ Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.

~ Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.

~ Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.

~ Never had a “disco phase.”

~ Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.

~ Keeps insisting it “has no designs on America” and “only wants peace.”

~ Plays a mean game of pond hockey.

According to McSweeney: REASONS TO FEAR CANADA

by SEAN CARMAN